Halloween

It's that time of year where little kids roam the streets dressed like little hellions, male college students saunter down the streets dressed like something they think is clever (but it's not), and female college students stumble down the streets dressed as strippers dressed as something else. Meanwhile, adults have a few decisions:

• Make a haunted house, which, in my opinion, is far too elaborate an effort and money for one day.
• If you have kids, you can go trick-or-treating with them to chaperone (then steal 10% of their candy as payment for your services).
• If you're of the female variety, you can man the door and seem to have infinite patience with each group of kids that comes by. I really, really don't understand how you all can stand saying "Oh look! We have a princess!" and "And what are youuuuuuuuUU?" 37 thousand times in one evening. This is why we (men) need you.
• On the other hand! If you're of the male variety, you can man the door and bark orders at the kids that come by to keep this madness as efficient as possible. This is key. Without order to the candy-grabbing, there's a 99% chance that, given a group of 6 or more, you will give candy twice to one little jerk kid who puts himself in line twice in all the confusion. This kid will start robbing convenience stores once he turns 14, get shipped off to juvy, then boot camp, then die in the marines. That's right. Maliciously cheating in candy-grabbing is a gateway to a path that ends in an early demise. Your order and discipline will save this boy's life.
• Regardless of sex, you can find a Halloween party to go to (Warning: friends required!), but that usually involves coming up with a costume appropriate for your age. This is very difficult, time consuming, and expensive to do. Also, given that Halloween is on a Sunday, you will probably have parties to go to Friday or Saturday, leaving you alone and vulnerable on Sunday night.
• If you forget to buy candies to give out, turn off all your lights, remove all pumpkins from your doorstep, and be silent all evening. Seriously, pretend you're in a submarine that's being bombed by depth charges. Hide yo' kids. Hide yo' wife. Hide yo' kids. Hide yo' wife.

Some good Halloween memories:

• My mom used to make costumes for me. Once I was a basketball, which was a giant orange circle filled with newspaper. It sounded like I was wearing a diaper. Another year I was a bag of M&Ms, and kids at school tried to open me. I think I cried when they did that.
• My dad takes manning the door to a whole new level. He messes with the kids' minds, trying to catch them off-guard by yelling "Trick-or-treat!" first, telling them to line up alphabetically by height, or asking them if they've seen his remote (at which point all of them look in their pillow-cases full of candy for his remote). He also took a 10% candy-tithe from me for his door-manning services.
• One time my roommate in college brought back a bunch of people I had never met to party in our room with some apple-flavored vodka and other stuff. Once the twin sisters dressed as strippers dressed as police officers began to be pressured to make out with each other (on my bed!), I decided I didn't want any part of this crazy party/drinking scene. So I left and ended up getting drunk with other people. It seems as if it's impossible for a college student not to drink on Halloween.

This year, I'll be watching the World Series with a bowl of candy ready to give out, unless I forget to buy candy in which case I'll be watching the World Series with the volume muted and all the lights in my house turned off.

What are you doing on Halloween?