Out with the old

I guess part of this whole "finding myself, and finding God" sort of thing is really coming together. For some reason I had a desire to check to see if an old Livejournal blog I had still existed, and I found it! I re-read all the thoughts I had chosen to write down between my senior year in high school and my decision to become a Christian in college. It was remarkable, like I had stumbled on a buried treasure. I saw an old part of myself I had forgotten and ignored, which could possibly be why I've been having such identity issues lately.

It was scary reading my thoughts, because they were generally off-the-mark and I could see how they led me to my downfall. I remembered my feelings during that winter season where I was so confused I just had to stop and write over 50 posts in order to sort things out. I really hope this blog doesn't turn into something like that, because I would prefer it to be edutaining - hopefully running through my weird encounters in life and coming up with beautiful realizations about God. Reading this journal was like reading a confused kid compromise his morals and spiral into oblivion because life got serious all of a sudden.

I realize that this season of life is very similar to that season in life, in some regards. I mentioned God, but usually in anger, sadness, or some bassackwards opinion that seemed like truth, but only from the world's perspective. Not-so-surprisingly, things I write now could be construed as the same, given your opinions.

I need to get in touch with my "whosoever-ness". God so loved the world that he gave is only begotten son so that whosoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life. I think God may have led me to read my old journal to remember who I was, and the path I was on. I also saw the ways He reached out to me, where I actually got it and then immediately forgot about it because I didn't pray about it and follow up on my own realizations.

Specifically I remember one entry about how I was tired of my Catholic faith and I thought that ditching religion altogether would help me get closer to God. Then a friend commented telling me that I should just check out other churches instead, and stay in community, because you can't get to know God without a community. She was right, and when I tried "going it alone" in college, I was easily distracted away from God and lost sight of Him.

I also saw a season when I decided to join a bible study my freshman year, and how I was feeling really good and at peace, but then Satan came and washed me away. I'm heading back to that critical mindset I had back then, though. I was a good thinker, and didn't blindly accept whatever someone said about my faith. I think I've been a little too closed-minded lately and it's time to start separating what is true and what is cultural.