Halloween

It's that time of year where little kids roam the streets dressed like little hellions, male college students saunter down the streets dressed like something they think is clever (but it's not), and female college students stumble down the streets dressed as strippers dressed as something else. Meanwhile, adults have a few decisions:

• Make a haunted house, which, in my opinion, is far too elaborate an effort and money for one day.
• If you have kids, you can go trick-or-treating with them to chaperone (then steal 10% of their candy as payment for your services).
• If you're of the female variety, you can man the door and seem to have infinite patience with each group of kids that comes by. I really, really don't understand how you all can stand saying "Oh look! We have a princess!" and "And what are youuuuuuuuUU?" 37 thousand times in one evening. This is why we (men) need you.
• On the other hand! If you're of the male variety, you can man the door and bark orders at the kids that come by to keep this madness as efficient as possible. This is key. Without order to the candy-grabbing, there's a 99% chance that, given a group of 6 or more, you will give candy twice to one little jerk kid who puts himself in line twice in all the confusion. This kid will start robbing convenience stores once he turns 14, get shipped off to juvy, then boot camp, then die in the marines. That's right. Maliciously cheating in candy-grabbing is a gateway to a path that ends in an early demise. Your order and discipline will save this boy's life.
• Regardless of sex, you can find a Halloween party to go to (Warning: friends required!), but that usually involves coming up with a costume appropriate for your age. This is very difficult, time consuming, and expensive to do. Also, given that Halloween is on a Sunday, you will probably have parties to go to Friday or Saturday, leaving you alone and vulnerable on Sunday night.
• If you forget to buy candies to give out, turn off all your lights, remove all pumpkins from your doorstep, and be silent all evening. Seriously, pretend you're in a submarine that's being bombed by depth charges. Hide yo' kids. Hide yo' wife. Hide yo' kids. Hide yo' wife.

Some good Halloween memories:

• My mom used to make costumes for me. Once I was a basketball, which was a giant orange circle filled with newspaper. It sounded like I was wearing a diaper. Another year I was a bag of M&Ms, and kids at school tried to open me. I think I cried when they did that.
• My dad takes manning the door to a whole new level. He messes with the kids' minds, trying to catch them off-guard by yelling "Trick-or-treat!" first, telling them to line up alphabetically by height, or asking them if they've seen his remote (at which point all of them look in their pillow-cases full of candy for his remote). He also took a 10% candy-tithe from me for his door-manning services.
• One time my roommate in college brought back a bunch of people I had never met to party in our room with some apple-flavored vodka and other stuff. Once the twin sisters dressed as strippers dressed as police officers began to be pressured to make out with each other (on my bed!), I decided I didn't want any part of this crazy party/drinking scene. So I left and ended up getting drunk with other people. It seems as if it's impossible for a college student not to drink on Halloween.

This year, I'll be watching the World Series with a bowl of candy ready to give out, unless I forget to buy candy in which case I'll be watching the World Series with the volume muted and all the lights in my house turned off.

What are you doing on Halloween?

Identity

I surprised myself this week.

You see, normally I worry about things that I'm used to worrying about. I struggle with self-esteem, self-image, my relationship with God, my relationships with other humans, my family, my church, whether I have food in my fridge and if I'm going to be too lazy to buy some before dinner, my overgrown backyard, my unwashed car, my messy kitchen, when am I going to remodel my bathroom? I really hope I don't completely waste my life away when I buy Fallout: New Vegas...

I'm used to struggling with that kind of stuff. Stuff where I know I'm weak, where I've failed before so I know to be a little more careful. But right now I feel like a person who's walked across the same bridge every day for 8 years and has never once been tempted to jump off, until today.

Of course, I'm talking about cars.

I've driven a car since I was 16. My first car was a 1989 Buick Century Station Wagon. It could hold 8 people, and it made me quite useful in high school. My second car was a 1996 Subaru Legacy that I really enjoyed, but it was really my sister's so I only got to use it for a summer while she was gone. Now I have a 1999 Honda Accord with 114,000 miles on it.

A couple weeks ago I was talking with someone who said she liked her car, but next time she's getting a pickup truck, or something like that. I always liked girls who have a car that exudes confidence. Last week one of my co-workers who is going through a mid-life crisis bought a Maserati. It's a pretty sweet looking car.

This one.

I guess cars have been on my mind a lot lately, in a pretty dangerous way. Just yesterday I started browsing convertibles online, trying to find out which car fits me best. Today on the way to work I was looking at the cars around me trying to see if I could see myself in any of them. I've been wondering what kind of car fits my personality best? Am I really as dull and practical as my Honda Accord? If I drove a pickup truck would I be able to pull it off or would I be a poser? Now I feel hopelessly trapped to my Accord because it seems to reflect my personality so well. I am dull and practical. I'm not adventurous at all, and if I got another car that wouldn't really change the fact that I am a "nothing special car" kind of guy. Who's attracted to a Honda Accord type of guy?

I never knew that one's identity could be so wrapped up in the kind of car he drives, but now I understand that feeling all too well. In all my searching I couldn't find a car that I felt reflected my personality, which I guess is a good thing. I was about to ask my friends what kind of car they could see me in, but then I realized that would probably send me through a whirling identity crisis as I tried to figure out what that said about me. I don't want that.

I guess I'm still in the process of resolving my identity, but I know one thing that won't help: looking for my reflection in a possession.

My Doubt

Over at Jason Boyett's blog, he's doing a series on doubt. He's allowing bloggers and authors much more talented than me to explain how they doubt their faith, why they doubt, and why that's completely okay.

I believe there's a difference between having "The Answers" and having answers. A person that has "The Answers" can be annoying. They mindlessly regurgitate quotes from scholars that have helped them justify their faith in the past. But the truth is that these days if you want to justify your faith, all you have to do is look hard enough and you'll find a well-known scholar who shares your opinion. All of these people are considered "godly" men or women, with degrees in philosophy, divinity, history, sociology, psychology, or any other number of subjects that give them the "Christian street cred". Want to make your faith political? Saturate your study with Al Mohler, or if you're a liberal read Jim Wallis. I believe there's a theology war going on right now between John Piper and Rick Warren. Both of these men preach a biblical messages, but they can have radically different views when it comes to "The Answers".

On the other hand, having answers is something I believe everyone should have. Understanding biblical culture, history, and geography really help bring out the Gospel message. We're reading Ruth in the 20s group at church, and it's hard to resonate with the magnitude of the story unless you have a good understanding that Ruth was A) a foreigner that Israel wasn't supposed to associate with, and B) a woman who. Unless you understand that women were considered scum in biblical times, it's pretty hard to get the real message in Ruth. I believe everyone should constantly seek out these answers, so they can interpret the Bible better.

But what happens when you run across something that makes you doubt, and neither answers or The Answers help you? I've been reading Matthew lately, and it's been making me question whether the Gospel is targeted at me. And if not, does it invite me in anyway? Check Matthew 11:20-28:

 ²⁰Then Jesus began to denounce the cities in which most of his miracles had been performed, because they did not repent. ²¹"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! If the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. ²²But I tell you, it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon on the day of judgment than for you. ²³And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths.^[d] If the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day. ²⁴But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of judgment than for you."
 ²⁵At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. ²⁶Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.  ²⁷"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
 ²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

So, answers tell us that there's a striking resemblance in this passage to Jonah. Places where Jesus has done works are soaking up all the healing, but not repenting and living the Gospel. Though Gentiles, who don't know anything about Yahweh, would have responded, repented, and started living the Gospel. The "wise" in verse 25 are Jews, while the "little children" are Gentiles.

This sounds a lot like where we're at today. I come from a comfortable suburb in "Christian" America. I grew up with some Christian teachings that guided my life. When Jesus really came into my life, it was pretty sweet for a while, but now I'm in a rhythm. I was once a child, but now I'm one of the "wise and learned". Does the gospel apply to me anymore?

We are the wise. We are not the little children. The little children in America today are the LGBT community, Muslims, alcoholics, and drug addicts. People who grew up with no Jesus, or people who are deemed a threat to our "wise and learned" religion. Those are the people who are weary and burdened. Those are the Gentiles today.

But where do I fit into the gospel? The more I read the teachings of Jesus, the less I feel like he came for me. Did the gospel come for the old me, who is now dead with Christ? Now that I'm saved, do I graduate to Paul's letters to learn how to live? This is my doubt. I have doubt that Jesus' teachings apply to me now that I'm a believer. And you can find any Answer you want by reading any number of opinions by theologians.

I think the only Real Answer is left to be struggled with in the present time, and that's what makes what I have faith. I have faith that even though Jesus' words don't always apply to who I am now, he still wants me and his message still applies to me. I can't justify it not matter how hard I try, but I can't deny it either. I have faith in what I doubt.

This is what I'm about

For those of you who are unaware, the blog-o-sphere was a-buzz this week with the Save Blue Like Jazz fundraiser. Donald Miller has been planning on making a movie based on the ideas of Blue Like Jazz (the book) for a while now. He wanted to do something big and memorable - something to write a story about, because he's all about living a better story (read his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life to learn about that).

Well, a few weeks ago, one of the major sponsors of the movie dropped their support just a month before filming was supposed to start. Donald Miller announced on his blog that Blue Like Jazz, the movie, was dead. He had had a difficult enough time with all the setbacks and he was exhausted, so he figured God didn't want him to make the movie, and it was time to move on.

And then a couple guys from Tennessee decided to do something remarkable. They used kickstarter to launch a fundraising campaign to raise $125,000 in one month to save Blue Like Jazz. Not only was Donald Miller completely astounded that two random guys would do something like this, but because within 10 days they had funded the movie, and shooting will happen. Now they're shooting for $200,000 because that would make national news as the largest crowd-sourced project ever. Only about 1600 donated on average $80 a piece, and now the movie lives. The Internet is good for something after all, isn't it?

Then one of my friends texted me and asked "Why should I support this movie?" My canned answer was something like "Donald Miller is awesome and I think Blue Like Jazz isn't just another 'Christian movie'." I wasn't really satisfied with that answer myself, so I kept pondering it. Why am I not sending my 50 bucks to Africa, where it can probably do more good?

I finally realized that this is what I'm about. I was described as the "Down with the system, challenge authority" small group leader in college. If there's a perception held by the majority, a little alarm goes off inside my head saying "WRONG! WRONG!" I tend to have the exact opposite political opinion of other evangelical Christians, because I'm generally untrusting of majorities. I believe grace and mercy trump morality any day, and I don't see that in the church majority.

It's time to start doubting again so we search out the truth. It's time to be broken to pieces so we can put ourselves back together again, fresh. I seem to be part of the "Christian Underground Movement" with leaders such as Donald Miller, Rachel Held Evans, Jon Acuff, and Matthew Paul Turner. These leaders challenge us to see past the mess we've made of Christianity and focus on finding truth, even when it hurts.

I believe if there were a pivotal book that started this movement, it would be Blue Like Jazz, and if the next step is to make a movie that challenges a new audience the way the book did, I want to be part of that.