Identity

I surprised myself this week.

You see, normally I worry about things that I'm used to worrying about. I struggle with self-esteem, self-image, my relationship with God, my relationships with other humans, my family, my church, whether I have food in my fridge and if I'm going to be too lazy to buy some before dinner, my overgrown backyard, my unwashed car, my messy kitchen, when am I going to remodel my bathroom? I really hope I don't completely waste my life away when I buy Fallout: New Vegas...

I'm used to struggling with that kind of stuff. Stuff where I know I'm weak, where I've failed before so I know to be a little more careful. But right now I feel like a person who's walked across the same bridge every day for 8 years and has never once been tempted to jump off, until today.

Of course, I'm talking about cars.

I've driven a car since I was 16. My first car was a 1989 Buick Century Station Wagon. It could hold 8 people, and it made me quite useful in high school. My second car was a 1996 Subaru Legacy that I really enjoyed, but it was really my sister's so I only got to use it for a summer while she was gone. Now I have a 1999 Honda Accord with 114,000 miles on it.

A couple weeks ago I was talking with someone who said she liked her car, but next time she's getting a pickup truck, or something like that. I always liked girls who have a car that exudes confidence. Last week one of my co-workers who is going through a mid-life crisis bought a Maserati. It's a pretty sweet looking car.

This one.

I guess cars have been on my mind a lot lately, in a pretty dangerous way. Just yesterday I started browsing convertibles online, trying to find out which car fits me best. Today on the way to work I was looking at the cars around me trying to see if I could see myself in any of them. I've been wondering what kind of car fits my personality best? Am I really as dull and practical as my Honda Accord? If I drove a pickup truck would I be able to pull it off or would I be a poser? Now I feel hopelessly trapped to my Accord because it seems to reflect my personality so well. I am dull and practical. I'm not adventurous at all, and if I got another car that wouldn't really change the fact that I am a "nothing special car" kind of guy. Who's attracted to a Honda Accord type of guy?

I never knew that one's identity could be so wrapped up in the kind of car he drives, but now I understand that feeling all too well. In all my searching I couldn't find a car that I felt reflected my personality, which I guess is a good thing. I was about to ask my friends what kind of car they could see me in, but then I realized that would probably send me through a whirling identity crisis as I tried to figure out what that said about me. I don't want that.

I guess I'm still in the process of resolving my identity, but I know one thing that won't help: looking for my reflection in a possession.