Welcome to the first ever Christian-Version Awards! Because apparently it's totally awesome to imitate what's actually popular in the real world in order to make a buck, I figure it's about time to start doling out awards for those who have either mastered the art or gotten lucky once. Because as Matt at The Church Of No People said: "We don’t try to come up with original thoughts that much. We’re happy to wait until someone else comes up with an original thought, and then copy it in the name of Jesus."
And now, without further ado, the awards!
Best Imitation Acronym (BIA)
Now, if there's anything Christians like, it's Three-Letter Acronyms (Or TLA's, as I like to call them). Need more people in your NBF? Start a GIG! Four-Letter Acronyms (FLA's), though slightly rarer, are also up there, with the good ol' fashioned WWJD.
But nothing quite compares to stealing a popular secular acronym and putting a Christian spin on it. Want to start an organization that fights to educate people about intelligent design? Call it the Christian Intelligence Agency! Also, make sure to steal the real CIA's logo and put a little twist on it, like a burning bush or something.
Along those lines, I'll give a CVA out to a FLA that is, IMO the BIA.
And the winner is....
International House Of Prayer (IHOP)!!!
Not only is IHOP (the pancake one) suing the IHOP (prayer) for copyright infringement, but it also added to its acronym street-cred by having an entire page on its site devoted to translating commonly-used acronyms they use! Way to go, IHOP!
Best Ke$ha Impersonation
Considering Ke$ha's lyrics, why would Christians ever want to sound like her? Because she's popular, and it's not the sound of the music that matters, but what she says that hurts our virgin little ears oh so very much. Because of that, we NEED to have an alternative so those of us who really want to listen to catchy music like "Tik Tok" can get our fix without being in danger if the rapture were to occur during our little a-listen.
Well good news! We not only have a winner, but Air1 is even giving away a free mp3 of the winner's song along with the description "Sounds like a Christian version of "Tik Tok"!!!!
And without further ado, the winner is...
Melody Joy - Savior
Good job Melody! You successfully broke away from the Latin circuit, into the American CCM circuit like a Christian version of Shakira by making a Christian version of Tik Tok!
Best Mash-Up Potential
Mash-ups are big right now. The first instance I can think of was back in 2004 when MTV released the Jay-Z and Linkin Park crossover album "Collision Course". Basically all you do is find two songs with the same chord progression and verse structure and have your way with it. Most recently, Katy Perry and Ke$ha hired the same exact people to write the same exact song in "California Gurls" and "Tik Tok".
Well this is great news for Christian artists. This gave us the opportunity to not just imitate genres, but outright plagiarize the musical art of pop music, while just slapping on some airy Christiany/positive lyrics on the song.
Behold, the winner:
Natalie Grant - Human
This perfect storm of imitation is so great it brings a tear to my eye. For those of you who are a bit out of sync with popular music, "Human" has perfect mash-up potential with "Battlefield" by American Idol winner Jordin Sparks. Not only that, but Jordin Sparks actually wrote "Human" for Natalie Grant! They are the exact same song but with alternate lyrics, like how Guns 'n Roses wrote alternate lyrics for "Don't Cry". The "Christian Lyrics" version of the song has a single reference to being "made in His image" and that's about all that's keeping this song off the top-40 charts. To top it off, Jordin Sparks performed the song in the above video with Natalie Grant at the 41st annual Dove Awards. It's as if Jordin Sparks just wanted to remind us all (or maybe herself) that she's still a Christian.
Well, that's it for this installment of the CVA's! Hope to see you next time.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hey Now, You're an All-Star
You've just joined a band as a bassist, even though you've never played bass before. You humbly join and put some effort into keeping up with the other band members. Through a little bit of encouragement from the others and overcoming obstacles you start becoming more confident. Then one day, you look back at how far you've come and think to yourself "I've got it now. I can do anything they ask me to." You start thinking you can pluck along with Red Hot Chili Peppers, break into improv solos, and write your own music. Soon you'll be a local favorite, and if you really want to you could go mainstream and top the Christian billboards, but you won't because only the locals deserve to be graced with your band's sweet sounds. That's just how you roll.
The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
What's this? It seems you've stopped practicing! Are you that talented that you can just pick up where you left off and groove again with the band? But you guys haven't met in months! No church has actually asked you to come play a gig, so you ask to join your church's worship band to get your face out there, and prove that you have the skills. Church services don't really lend themselves to your mad skills that you think you have, because it's not about you, it's about God. So you blend in, can easily play along, and you don't really need to practice in order to sound good. You play with the band, which has practice twice a week, meetings once a week, and obviously you're required to attend every church event to show that you're a dedicated member. You're still playing on Sundays though and at band practice though, so at least you're maintaining your skills, right? You prove to yourself and the rest of the world that you can still play by showing up on Sundays and plucking the root to keep up with the music, playing the bare necessities to get by.
My world's on fire. How about yours?
A popular local band just lost its bass player in a horrific gasoline fight accident and is holding open auditions. You pick up your bass and start coming up with an audition riff. But who are you kidding? You never actually practiced once you gained your unwarranted confidence. You hit a plateau and figured you were good enough to do anything, when there are people who have PhD's in bass performance. Listen to Dream Theater. Can you play like that? Could you ever play that? Then when did you ever think you were good enough to play along with anything? When did you think you were good enough to stop practicing? Not only would you not improve, but you obviously got worse. Yet you still thought you could play bass.
So you have a choice. You can either continue in your mediocrity, quit altogether and stop calling yourself a bass player, or buckle down and build a practice schedule, whilst seeking private lessons (which take place at the same time as worship practice). Which do you choose?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
New Mexico ...aaaand my car smells like chile peppers
Santa Fe is a pretty neat place. I checked in at my motel and drove downtown to see St. Francis of Assisi's Basilica. It's a beautiful little cathedral, but mass was going on, so I didn't get to go inside. St. Francis is probably my favorite American saint. I've always enjoyed his prayer, and I have a lot of respect for the Franciscan Order. I think some day I hope to go to a Franciscan monastery.
I wish I had more time to stay in Santa Fe, because it's got a really cool downtown area, focused almost entirely on art galleries. It would be nice to walk through the galleries, discussing the art with someone, but alas, I'm alone on this trip. I'll make a note to come back once someone wants to join me.
I headed over to Los Alamos to check out the place they built the first A-bomb. I toured the Bradbury museum and was just fascinated by the endeavor and intelligence involved in the invention of such a complex weapon. I think some day I would like to read the biography of Oppenheimer, because he just seems like a really interesting guy.
I scooted down to my er...hotel? in Truth or Consequences, which is just a weird place. I think it's just lost all touch with the world as a consequence (doh ho ho!) of never wanting to encounter reality. Every building is some hideous shade of ugly. My er.. "spa" motel (a place with a few big bathtubs) was bright pink. Not a good start, T or C. My GPS had no clue what was going on because I'm assuming it's just not worth mapping a place like T or C. End of rant.
The only reason I stayed in Truth or Consequences is because I wanted to go to the Hatch Chile Festival (yes, they spell them "chiles"), which was about 40 miles away, but had absolutely no motels. As soon as I checked in at my "room" I drove down to Hatch. I had trouble believing I was going the right direction, but lo and behold, as I was thinking that thought, a sign on the side of the road said "Keep going! You're going the right way!" I parked at a place that was supposedly the Hatch airport and wandered around the fairgrounds trying samples of some of the most amazing salsa I've had in my life. I blew a ton of money in Hatch buying salsa, and other chile commodities. Most amazingly, I found, is that there was no actual chili at the festival, just salsa, sauce, and even chile-scented candles, but no chili. Good news, though! I bought some chiles and will soon experiment with their tasty, tasty goodness in chili. Now I'm driving around with a Ristra of chiles hanging from the coat hangar in my car, which made a park ranger girl laugh uncontrollably when I got to the Painted Desert/Petrified Forest in Arizona...but that's a story for another day.
I wish I had more time to stay in Santa Fe, because it's got a really cool downtown area, focused almost entirely on art galleries. It would be nice to walk through the galleries, discussing the art with someone, but alas, I'm alone on this trip. I'll make a note to come back once someone wants to join me.
I headed over to Los Alamos to check out the place they built the first A-bomb. I toured the Bradbury museum and was just fascinated by the endeavor and intelligence involved in the invention of such a complex weapon. I think some day I would like to read the biography of Oppenheimer, because he just seems like a really interesting guy.
I scooted down to my er...hotel? in Truth or Consequences, which is just a weird place. I think it's just lost all touch with the world as a consequence (doh ho ho!) of never wanting to encounter reality. Every building is some hideous shade of ugly. My er.. "spa" motel (a place with a few big bathtubs) was bright pink. Not a good start, T or C. My GPS had no clue what was going on because I'm assuming it's just not worth mapping a place like T or C. End of rant.
The only reason I stayed in Truth or Consequences is because I wanted to go to the Hatch Chile Festival (yes, they spell them "chiles"), which was about 40 miles away, but had absolutely no motels. As soon as I checked in at my "room" I drove down to Hatch. I had trouble believing I was going the right direction, but lo and behold, as I was thinking that thought, a sign on the side of the road said "Keep going! You're going the right way!" I parked at a place that was supposedly the Hatch airport and wandered around the fairgrounds trying samples of some of the most amazing salsa I've had in my life. I blew a ton of money in Hatch buying salsa, and other chile commodities. Most amazingly, I found, is that there was no actual chili at the festival, just salsa, sauce, and even chile-scented candles, but no chili. Good news, though! I bought some chiles and will soon experiment with their tasty, tasty goodness in chili. Now I'm driving around with a Ristra of chiles hanging from the coat hangar in my car, which made a park ranger girl laugh uncontrollably when I got to the Painted Desert/Petrified Forest in Arizona...but that's a story for another day.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Road Trip update 3: Colorado
Ok, so I've been in New Mexico for a few days, but I might as well have an update for every state, so here's Colorado.
In all honesty, I didn't like Colorado all that much. I found it to be like a giant Santa Cruz, without the beach. If I had been there on a weekend, I think it would have been more fun, and there would have been more night life to enjoy, but downtown Denver on a Wednesday night isn't all that fun.
I went to the Coors brewery, which was fun. It disappointed me that their best beer I got to taste was the Colorado Native, which is only sold in Colorado. At least it was an interesting tour, although kind of corny. I went from there to the New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins, and that was okay, but not as good as some of the microbrews I like back in the bay area. I decided I was done with Colorado beer, and went to Boulder.
It's too bad I got to Boulder in the evening and had to be in New Mexico later that day, because I probably could have enjoyed some hiking trails in the Rockies. Boulder seemed like a college town, which is cool but it was a school night, so I didn't get to see much night life there either.
Maybe some day I'll head back to Colorado for some hiking, maybe even backpacking, but this trip it was sort of a bust.
In all honesty, I didn't like Colorado all that much. I found it to be like a giant Santa Cruz, without the beach. If I had been there on a weekend, I think it would have been more fun, and there would have been more night life to enjoy, but downtown Denver on a Wednesday night isn't all that fun.
I went to the Coors brewery, which was fun. It disappointed me that their best beer I got to taste was the Colorado Native, which is only sold in Colorado. At least it was an interesting tour, although kind of corny. I went from there to the New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins, and that was okay, but not as good as some of the microbrews I like back in the bay area. I decided I was done with Colorado beer, and went to Boulder.
It's too bad I got to Boulder in the evening and had to be in New Mexico later that day, because I probably could have enjoyed some hiking trails in the Rockies. Boulder seemed like a college town, which is cool but it was a school night, so I didn't get to see much night life there either.
Maybe some day I'll head back to Colorado for some hiking, maybe even backpacking, but this trip it was sort of a bust.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Road trip update 2: Utah!
It seems like everyone's excited about Utah here. Every time I see the state's name it's Utah! with an exclamation point.
After a long drive of nothing from Ely to Salt Lake City, I settled into my hotel, which happened to be literally next to the Mormon Tabernacle. I didn't stop for lunch anywhere (because there was nowhere to stop...), so I went to explore the Gateway Mall down the street, which was pretty nice. It's an odd testament to Utah culture that there's an outdoor strip mall that's actually enclosed in a way. Sort of like Santana Row, only without a road driving through the middle.
One thing I noticed about Salt Lake City is that land must be cheap there, because they have ridiculously wide roads downtown, and parking lot sizes that would make city planners in the Bay Area groan. Another thing I felt strange about in SLC is that the Mormons really did influence a lot of things in the city. I felt a weird twinge when I learned they sponsor pretty much everything touristy in the city. Is this how other people feel when they see that Christians sponsored some sort of event? Is it bad when we tack our names onto things? I think maybe we should work on being a bit more transparent if the reason we tack our names onto things is to show how generous we are.
I wasn't feeling terribly well so I took a nap and had dinner at the hotel. Kind of sad for a day of exploring for an adventurous road trip. But I have to admit, Salt Lake City didn't interest me a ton.
The next day I took a drive through the Wasatch national forest to go for a hike, but it was next to freezing where the trails were (at ski resorts...go figure) and I wasn't prepared/dressed for that, so I just drove around admiring the beauty. Then I took a trip to Park City and hung out downtown for a bit. It's a pretty cool downtown area, with a real focus on art. I'd highly suggest it as a tourist destination. It looked like you could take a ski lift to some trails or something, but my meter was running and if I had done that I wouldn't have been back in time for dinner.
I had dinner at the Red Rock Brewing Company which I am now a huge fan of. They had a very unique amber ale.
I took off at around 9 for Moab, which was a very beautiful drive through the countryside, although there was some construction going on that frustrated my drive a bit. When I got to Moab I immediately got lunch at the Moab Brewery, which has fantastic burgers and beer. I hope to have another lunch there tomorrow. I then got myself on a Hummer off-roading tour, which was pretty bumpy but fun. I took some pictures of the beautiful Moab desert. Tomorrow morning I'm going river rafting on the Colorado River. Awesome. I tried to book a rappelling trip, but they require two people or more to go on the trip, and the season is dying down a bit.
Tomorrow I'm off to Denver!
P.S.
I apologize for not being more reflective in my updates. Other than the physical location updates, I'm mostly throwing forward random thoughts that pop into my head, rather than the deep, personal stuff I'm thinking of. Rest assured, I'm writing a lot, trying to think about my life and where God's taking it, but that's very personal to me right now and I'm just going to keep it to myself until I have more time to mull over it. One thing I will say is that I'm really enjoying the book "Finding the Will of God: A Pagan Notion?
" by Bruce Waltke. It's really helping me desire a closer relationship with God.
After a long drive of nothing from Ely to Salt Lake City, I settled into my hotel, which happened to be literally next to the Mormon Tabernacle. I didn't stop for lunch anywhere (because there was nowhere to stop...), so I went to explore the Gateway Mall down the street, which was pretty nice. It's an odd testament to Utah culture that there's an outdoor strip mall that's actually enclosed in a way. Sort of like Santana Row, only without a road driving through the middle.
One thing I noticed about Salt Lake City is that land must be cheap there, because they have ridiculously wide roads downtown, and parking lot sizes that would make city planners in the Bay Area groan. Another thing I felt strange about in SLC is that the Mormons really did influence a lot of things in the city. I felt a weird twinge when I learned they sponsor pretty much everything touristy in the city. Is this how other people feel when they see that Christians sponsored some sort of event? Is it bad when we tack our names onto things? I think maybe we should work on being a bit more transparent if the reason we tack our names onto things is to show how generous we are.
I wasn't feeling terribly well so I took a nap and had dinner at the hotel. Kind of sad for a day of exploring for an adventurous road trip. But I have to admit, Salt Lake City didn't interest me a ton.
The next day I took a drive through the Wasatch national forest to go for a hike, but it was next to freezing where the trails were (at ski resorts...go figure) and I wasn't prepared/dressed for that, so I just drove around admiring the beauty. Then I took a trip to Park City and hung out downtown for a bit. It's a pretty cool downtown area, with a real focus on art. I'd highly suggest it as a tourist destination. It looked like you could take a ski lift to some trails or something, but my meter was running and if I had done that I wouldn't have been back in time for dinner.
I had dinner at the Red Rock Brewing Company which I am now a huge fan of. They had a very unique amber ale.
I took off at around 9 for Moab, which was a very beautiful drive through the countryside, although there was some construction going on that frustrated my drive a bit. When I got to Moab I immediately got lunch at the Moab Brewery, which has fantastic burgers and beer. I hope to have another lunch there tomorrow. I then got myself on a Hummer off-roading tour, which was pretty bumpy but fun. I took some pictures of the beautiful Moab desert. Tomorrow morning I'm going river rafting on the Colorado River. Awesome. I tried to book a rappelling trip, but they require two people or more to go on the trip, and the season is dying down a bit.
Tomorrow I'm off to Denver!
P.S.
I apologize for not being more reflective in my updates. Other than the physical location updates, I'm mostly throwing forward random thoughts that pop into my head, rather than the deep, personal stuff I'm thinking of. Rest assured, I'm writing a lot, trying to think about my life and where God's taking it, but that's very personal to me right now and I'm just going to keep it to myself until I have more time to mull over it. One thing I will say is that I'm really enjoying the book "Finding the Will of God: A Pagan Notion?
" by Bruce Waltke. It's really helping me desire a closer relationship with God.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
By the way...
It's a lot easier to update Twitter than Facebook or this blog, so for live updates, follow me at www.twitter.com/bobbykritzer
Road Trip Update 1
I've safely made it to Ely, Nevada. For those of you who don't know where that is, it is in a place that by all technical definitions qualifies under "Nowhere". I'm sure all 2 of you who read this will be disappointed to find out that I forgot my camera cable for my computer, and computer doesn't have an XD card reader, so no pictures unless I feel driven to buy a new cable :(
I started the trip yesterday after work, with my destination being Shingle Spring, CA to visit Greg. We went to a Sacramento River Cats game (AAA league baseball) and got some really awesome treatment in some box seats. Free food and free beer. It was a good game! After that, Greg had an indoor soccer game, which was fun to watch as well.
I took off from Shingle Springs on 50 through the Sierra-Nevadas. That was quite possibly the most beautiful drive I've ever been on. I turned on some JJ Heller tunes to compliment my environment and cruised the whole way through, stopping to enjoy the rivers, mountain-style rest stops, and amazing views.
I stopped into Virginia City, a place I remember going to when I was a kid. It's an old silver mining town that kept its old style for the sake of tourism. It's a really fun place to walk around. I think I really enjoy the old Southwestern style of Nevada. Something about it makes me feel like a kid again, playing cowboys and Indians and getting into saloon brawls. I tried to get some Camper's Chili from the Country Cupboard, but the Country Cupboard closed down about a year ago! I was kind of heartbroken, so I went and found some food and left town.
Something I find odd about Nevada is that, although flashing lights are expected and abundant, everyone still seems to notice when an ambulance is nearby. Every car in my lane merged over to the shoulder and I had no clue what was happening because flashing lights in Nevada didn't really stand out to me.
The rest of Nevada was a whole lot of nothing. I definitely felt like I was on one of those "finding myself" road trips, though. When there's literally nothing but shrubberies covering flat or slightly hilly ground, your mind has time to drift to a plethora of subjects. Hopefully all that introspective time, listening to sermons or music - depending on my mood - will lead to some sort of epiphany. One thing that ran through my mind on my drive was "God made this." The beautiful scenery of the Sierra Nevadas and then the striking contrast of the Nevada desert really shows how amazing of an artist God is. I questioned the reason video games see fit to make their own fantasy world when it's entirely sufficient to have fascinating scenery by using the real terrain God saw fit to paint on his globe canvas.
I ran through a grand total of 5-ish towns between Virginia City and Ely, although it was well over 300 miles of driving. The small towns comfortably simple, and although similar in some regards, I could tell that each had a unique personality. For example, Austin, Nevada seems to put on a Serbian Christmas every year. I love seeing little surprises like that from little places you wouldn't expect anything from.
I'm glad I'm safely here in the hotel and rested. Today was probably my longest single day of driving, and I did it! Tomorrow I'll head to Salt Lake City!
I started the trip yesterday after work, with my destination being Shingle Spring, CA to visit Greg. We went to a Sacramento River Cats game (AAA league baseball) and got some really awesome treatment in some box seats. Free food and free beer. It was a good game! After that, Greg had an indoor soccer game, which was fun to watch as well.
I took off from Shingle Springs on 50 through the Sierra-Nevadas. That was quite possibly the most beautiful drive I've ever been on. I turned on some JJ Heller tunes to compliment my environment and cruised the whole way through, stopping to enjoy the rivers, mountain-style rest stops, and amazing views.
I stopped into Virginia City, a place I remember going to when I was a kid. It's an old silver mining town that kept its old style for the sake of tourism. It's a really fun place to walk around. I think I really enjoy the old Southwestern style of Nevada. Something about it makes me feel like a kid again, playing cowboys and Indians and getting into saloon brawls. I tried to get some Camper's Chili from the Country Cupboard, but the Country Cupboard closed down about a year ago! I was kind of heartbroken, so I went and found some food and left town.
Something I find odd about Nevada is that, although flashing lights are expected and abundant, everyone still seems to notice when an ambulance is nearby. Every car in my lane merged over to the shoulder and I had no clue what was happening because flashing lights in Nevada didn't really stand out to me.
The rest of Nevada was a whole lot of nothing. I definitely felt like I was on one of those "finding myself" road trips, though. When there's literally nothing but shrubberies covering flat or slightly hilly ground, your mind has time to drift to a plethora of subjects. Hopefully all that introspective time, listening to sermons or music - depending on my mood - will lead to some sort of epiphany. One thing that ran through my mind on my drive was "God made this." The beautiful scenery of the Sierra Nevadas and then the striking contrast of the Nevada desert really shows how amazing of an artist God is. I questioned the reason video games see fit to make their own fantasy world when it's entirely sufficient to have fascinating scenery by using the real terrain God saw fit to paint on his globe canvas.
I ran through a grand total of 5-ish towns between Virginia City and Ely, although it was well over 300 miles of driving. The small towns comfortably simple, and although similar in some regards, I could tell that each had a unique personality. For example, Austin, Nevada seems to put on a Serbian Christmas every year. I love seeing little surprises like that from little places you wouldn't expect anything from.
I'm glad I'm safely here in the hotel and rested. Today was probably my longest single day of driving, and I did it! Tomorrow I'll head to Salt Lake City!
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